The call & Sammy

Spring 2007

Two short months after waiting we got the call about our daughter. Her mother was young, had zero prenatal care, and conceived this child in a terrible act of hate. Out of the ugliness that surrounded her, she carried my daughter and gave her life.

My daughter was born 3 weeks after the call.

We met "grandma r" at 3am in the hospital waiting room after a long and miserable flight and commute. I was so high on adrenaline, i didn't care what time it was. She wanted to meet us at that time and not wait for morning.

CRAP.

It was awkward.

She looked young herself.... she smiled alot.

She had this cute nervous laugh/giggle.

She asked me if I could have children -

when i said that as far as I know we could, she seemed surprised.

She asked me alot about our life and our families.

We just visited.

Talked for 2 hours.

She didn't think she would let us meet Candy* (names have been changed) -

and she wouldn't let Candy see the baby.

Our daughter Sammy* wasn't born until the following evening after 18 long hours of labor and an emergency c-section. Candy delivered her in one room, and we waited right next door. The doctor took her out, and brought her right over - yucky stuff and all. Grandma R was with Candy and followed Sammy over to our room.

Sammy was the most gorgeous baby I have ever seen. EVER.

She had tons of black hair and gorgeous black eyes.

I wanted to cry. Daddy almost fainted.

And i have the most gorgeous picture of grandma r looking down at sammy as she was getting cleaned up.

I was there for her first bath, for her all the fun things moms miss out on after going through labor. I also took a million pictures of each little thing. I didn't want to miss ANYTHING.

Over the next two days we had the chance to visit more with grandma r. She started getting more comfortable with us, sharing with us, and decided she would be okay with us meeting Candy.

I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

I was so nervous. Excited. Scared. Would she like us?

She was quiet, shy, nervous herself.

She was a young girl who went through a crazy surgery and was recovering well.

She has a shy smile when she told me that the doctor couldn't believe she was up and walking around that fast.

She was sweet and beautiful. A child like beauty.

I asked her if she wanted to see pictures of Sammy and she did. She looked through the several hundred (literally) that I had on my camera from the last two days. She was so beautiful as she looked at her daughter... the daughter she just delivered.

I told her to tell me what pictures she wanted and I would print them. And she made a nice long list :) It was neat hearing them talk about who Sammy looked like - and how beautiful they thought she was.

I asked how much contact they wanted.

They wanted no contact.

But they did want the option of seeing how she was 10 years from now. I let them know that was okay - but gave them our address and phone numbers in case they changed their minds. And I let them know that I would always save pictures of her for them.

Candy still hadn't met Sammy at this point. And her mom let her know that when they were both discharged - out side of the hospital - that Candy could.

A couple days later came that moment. We met in a parking lot and I watched Candy hold her daughter for the first time.

It was magic.

I saw this young, beautiful girl, hold onto and keep her eyes transfixed on this beautiful baby that she carried.

This baby she loved.

It was as if she was trying to remember every last piece of her. When Sammy would cry, Candy would comfort... you have no clue how many pictures I took of that encounter.

I wanted to capture every second of it.

I knew these pictures would tell a story to Sammy that she was loved and adored and treasured.

That her momma couldn't stop looking at her.

I still have those pictures and I treasure them.

One day Sammy will too.

She gave me my first glimpse into what true sacrifice and love is all about.

My thoughts before baby...

2005

I was 21 years old, my husband 20, when we started researching adoption. We just knew it was something we wanted to do. Being the smart 21 year old I was - I knew alot. I knew that no woman who truly loved their child would choose adoption. She had no feelings towards her baby, no attachment. This child was merely something in her way that she would be happy to be rid of. It wasn't that she was cold hearted, maybe she did love her baby, but not as much as I would.

I also knew that a closed adoption would be the best thing for all involved. They probably wouldn't think of teir baby again anyway. Maybe wonder how they were or something - but nothing serious. It would be easier for us if it was closed too - we were the parents after all, not the woman who carried her baby. Why "confuse" the baby? They wouldn't be missing anything if it was closed.

I think all of these thoughts stemmed from my research of being a foster parent and foster adoption. I had read numerous articles about women and men abusing their children, repeatedly. They didn't want their children, children were an inconvenience.

Knowing that these thoughts once swirled through my mind, i am thankful how far we have come, and it helps me to give grace to those who still believe these things.

2006

In our time of getting our paperwork together, the homestudy, and more research, my thoughts changed - they developed - they grew.

By the time we got all of our crap together for "the wait" we were 23 and 22.

Funny how things change the more you learn.

Just a year later -

2007

We knew we wanted an open adoption. We knew that our children, despite how much they loved us, would wonder about the woman who gave them life. They would wonder why their mom chose adoption. They would wonder who they got their smile from - or whose nose that they had.

But they wouldn't be the only ones to wonder - I would wonder too. I would wonder if they got the shape of their eyes from their mom or dad. Would that cute little laugh be something they inherited?

And their mom.... what would she be doing?

Would she question her choice? Would she wonder where her child was or if they were cared for? Would she wonder if they looked like her? Would she wonder when they got their first tooth? Or rode their first bike? Would she wonder if this family she chose - loved her child as much as she did?

My beliefs did a 180 and I had come to believe that not only would we be OPEN to this type of adoption - but we desired it. I found myself longing that for our child. We would be open to any type of situation - closed, open or semi open - but I knew that whatever their mom would choose, that I would ask (on my hands and knees begging and pleading) her to leave us something of her for her child. Whether it be baby pictures, current pictures, family pictures, her likes or dislikes... something that would let her child know where she came from.

We would be totally open. Give her our numbers, our address, access to pictures, phone calls and visits.

I wouldn't want my baby to ever wonder where she had come from or who she was. I wouldn't be ashamed of her history, or the history of her mother.

And then we waited....