I was 21 years old, my husband 20, when we started researching adoption. We just knew it was something we wanted to do. Being the smart 21 year old I was - I knew alot. I knew that no woman who truly loved their child would choose adoption. She had no feelings towards her baby, no attachment. This child was merely something in her way that she would be happy to be rid of. It wasn't that she was cold hearted, maybe she did love her baby, but not as much as I would.
I also knew that a closed adoption would be the best thing for all involved. They probably wouldn't think of teir baby again anyway. Maybe wonder how they were or something - but nothing serious. It would be easier for us if it was closed too - we were the parents after all, not the woman who carried her baby. Why "confuse" the baby? They wouldn't be missing anything if it was closed.
I think all of these thoughts stemmed from my research of being a foster parent and foster adoption. I had read numerous articles about women and men abusing their children, repeatedly. They didn't want their children, children were an inconvenience.
Knowing that these thoughts once swirled through my mind, i am thankful how far we have come, and it helps me to give grace to those who still believe these things.
2006
In our time of getting our paperwork together, the homestudy, and more research, my thoughts changed - they developed - they grew.
By the time we got all of our crap together for "the wait" we were 23 and 22.
Funny how things change the more you learn.
Just a year later -
2007
We knew we wanted an open adoption. We knew that our children, despite how much they loved us, would wonder about the woman who gave them life. They would wonder why their mom chose adoption. They would wonder who they got their smile from - or whose nose that they had.
But they wouldn't be the only ones to wonder - I would wonder too. I would wonder if they got the shape of their eyes from their mom or dad. Would that cute little laugh be something they inherited?
And their mom.... what would she be doing?
Would she question her choice? Would she wonder where her child was or if they were cared for? Would she wonder if they looked like her? Would she wonder when they got their first tooth? Or rode their first bike? Would she wonder if this family she chose - loved her child as much as she did?
My beliefs did a 180 and I had come to believe that not only would we be OPEN to this type of adoption - but we desired it. I found myself longing that for our child. We would be open to any type of situation - closed, open or semi open - but I knew that whatever their mom would choose, that I would ask (on my hands and knees begging and pleading) her to leave us something of her for her child. Whether it be baby pictures, current pictures, family pictures, her likes or dislikes... something that would let her child know where she came from.
We would be totally open. Give her our numbers, our address, access to pictures, phone calls and visits.
I wouldn't want my baby to ever wonder where she had come from or who she was. I wouldn't be ashamed of her history, or the history of her mother.
And then we waited....
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